I never really understood the weight of losing someone. I have always thought of myself as a strong individual who can carry on during times of hardship. But this is another type of hardship. The saying goes, "you never know what you have until its gone". I DID know what I had though, and that is why this is so difficult. This weekend has been trying and draining but I have comfort knowing that Papa is in heaven singing away playing on a giant organ. The first things that ran through my mind when I heard the news that Papa had gone to be with the Lord is NO. NO because he never seemed old to me, NO because I wanted him to be here for my wedding, NO because I wanted my children to know what a great man he was. NO because Christmas and Thanksgiving will never be the same without him praying and toasting to our family. But in the midst of that I had to say yes. Yes because he was getting older but I was denying it. Yes because while I am being selfish and wish he was still here no matter his earthly condition, that is not fair. Yes because he is with Jesus. Yes because that is what Papa wanted more than anything, he wanted Jesus, all of him. He showed that daily to us all. He showed that through the way he interacted with us. He always made time for us and our activities. Papa always came to my shows, to Choir concerts, athletic games, if he could come, he would be there with a big smile and cheering me on. He loved making other people smile and was the life of the party. Looking back at pictures yesterday, there are many where he is being silly in his own way to make others smile. He received a gift one Christmas, a moving talking yellow Teletubby. He would pretend to play with it and make it move while his whole family burst into laughter. It became tradition that every Christmas, the Teletubby made its appearance.
He cared for many things in his life but the most important where God and family. I got a chance to sit down and sort through tons and tons of old photos yesterday while compiling pictures for his funeral slideshow. I always saw grandpa as my Papa, but he was so many other things too that I never really took into account. He was the most handsome young man from Pennsylvania who worked on a farm. I'm sure girls swooned all over him but he probably was too shy to even talk to them. Than he met my grandpa at the young age of 16 and they were pen pals for three years while she went to nursing school and he stayed home. They got married at 21 and started their lives together. He was stationed in the air force in Maine after they were married for one year. I read through some of the letters he sent my grandma and every one started with, "My darling Doris". The love he had for her carried on and translated into their children, which passed down to their grandchildren. Many of my friends comment on how lucky I am to have strong family bonds. This is something that has always been instilled into who I was raised to be. But this starts at the head of the family, it started with my grandparents and their commitment to one another. My grandparents had been married for 60 years and they are a testimony of love and commitment.
The last memory I have of papa occurred this weekend. We were all over at my grandparents house having lunch, mourning and being a family. I went into his office to see everything, trying to catch as many memories of him as I can and store them in my heart. I sat down at his desk and on it was a pad of paper. On the pad of paper was his do to list that he made before he left that weekend. The tasks that were written down were things such as, "water plant, take umbrella down.." They had all been marked off except for one, PRAYER. Well Papa, I know that you no longer need to pray because you get to talk with Jesus himself. I can't wait to see you again, I know we will have a large time. <3
